Trail Mix: Hazelnut's Botanical Blue-Balling

Hey, plant lovers and plant killers. I'm Jonathan.

And I'm Jeanette.

We're two old high school friends, current geriatric millennials.

This is Plant Sluts, the podcast where plants meet pop culture, sex, gossip, and

all the dirt in between.

Coming to you from a backyard in

Salem, Oregon, and a rooftop in Montreal,

Quebec, where plant slots.

We're Plant Sluts.

Oh, my God.

Hey, sluts. Welcome to the final episode of our trail mix series, where we take your

innocent little snacks and absolutely ruin them with history.

Today's victim, the hazelnut. Hard on the outside, but full of rich, scandalous goodness within.

But first, let's share our garden status updates. Jonathan, what's going on in your garden?

Well, spring has officially begun after lot of slow starts and restarts.

Yay.

I'm at the stage where I. Whenever I go outside, I, like, stop and I look around my garden where if someone were to see me, they'd probably wonder what the hell I was doing, because there's, like, nothing. It's all, just, like, dead leaves. But I did find my primrose coming up, like, rebirthing, and I thought that that was really cute. That's about it. All that's growing. Oh, there's some crocuses in the front yard.

Oh, nice.

And other than that, like, my greenhouse is. Is really going well. Like, all of a sudden, things are just, like, sprouting out of the boxes in the greenhouse. I've brought up all my seedlings. They're doing really well. I'm really looking forward for my seasonal depression to end.

Before we talk more about your greenhouse, I do have an announcement.

Okay.

Jonathan, I am a new mother to a baby boy and a baby girl Hascap plant.

Oh, my God. Really?

Wait, actually, no, they're not boys and girls. They're just two different varieties.

I know. I was gonna say, like, wait a second, Jeanette. Like, did you not listen to our episode?

I think I confused Kiwi because I was considering kiwi.

Yeah.

I went to buy a trellis yesterday, so, of course I bought seeds and plants, of course, from, like, a farm store, and they had a bunch of different varieties, so I chose Blue Pacific Hascap. And it would be so cool if I remembered what they were while we're recording. I don't remember what the other one was, but I.

There's, like, Aurora. There's one called, like, Aurora. There's another one, I think Borealis, because I think those are, like, ones that go together.

I think it was Borealis. The other one was Borealis. Yeah. So I'm Kind of planning to put them in the front yard. I think they're kind of like shrubs, right? They get shrubby.

Yeah, well, they get. The one in my community garden is, like, five feet tall.

Perfect. So no one can see inside my yard. That's what I want. But it's really bad clay soil, so I think I'll have to, like, dig out a few feet of. Not a few feet, but, like, a foot of soil and put in some good soil for them to do well, because nothing's doing well out in the front yard. But I'm excited for my babies.

Well, that's great news.

They're flowering right now, so I think I'll maybe have some berries this year already. Yeah.

I just saw mine, actually, on my way into the house, and I noticed that they have little buds on them, so I got really excited.

Aw.

Yay, cousins.

Speaking of your plants, I visited you in Montreal.

Yes. How was that?

Thanks for asking. I went for spring break, and it was. It was cool. I got to see Jonathan's garden, his greenhouse, and we did a bunch of

other stuff, because I should mention that it's been 20 plus years since the last time you came to Montreal.

Yeah, I thought about that, because I think I was gonna try to get you to come here. And then I remembered I really haven't been to Montreal in a long, long time. So it was really fun.

And you're like, when. What better time to travel to Montreal than in the winter?

Yes. Oh, I had to buy a winter coat. Like, I didn't own one. I bought two just to. Just for the trip. And now they'll just sit in my closet until I go back. I guess it wasn't too cold. Like, some of the times I've been there in January when I was younger. It was fine. There was some nice days. Yeah, your greenhouse was really sunny. We got to record a video that we'll put up later. It was cool seeing your rooftop greenhouse.

Yeah.

And the best part was you constantly checking your greenhouse temperature in your house. Like, the. The phrase of the trip was it, hey, Google, what's the temperature in the greenhouse?

It's that time of year where it's like. It's so exciting when the greenhouse gets warm.

You kind of sent me a link and convinced me to get a little Bluetooth greenhouse thermometer.

Oh, my God, it's your turn.

So I have it on Bluetooth, but instead, because I don't have it, like, hooked up with Google, so my analog version has been, nathan, what's the temperature in the greenhouse. And then he goes out and checks

to make him to go out and look at it. Oh, my God. Yeah.

Or, like, I'll text him from work because it's Bluetooth, so I don't see it at work, what temperature it is. I'm like, what's the temperature? Open the greenhouse. You know, close it. Open it.

Oh, my God. That's, like, what I ask my neighbor. Like, what my neighbor upstairs to do. My friend who lives upstairs, I'm always like, can you go and open up the greenhouse? It's too hot.

Yeah. I'm like, oh, my God, it's hot now. It's cold. Shut it. Shut it. One fun thing in Montreal that we got to do was go to the botanical gardens, which doesn't seem like it would be that fun when it's still winter, but it had. Where it still has this huge greenhouse, like, conservatory. It was, like, five rooms. Is that.

Yeah, I think there's five. Five or six greenhouses.

It was definitely, like, a full day's journey going through that. Like, I would go to a botanical garden and just see that and then go back another day to see the outdoor stuff. It was a long day in there.

I mean, we did spend a lot of time, like, reading everything and talking about the plants.

Yeah. And you smelled everything, which kind of. It was interesting because I realized, like, I don't experience life or the world or plants through my nose. If I was there alone, I would have just been looking at everything. Jonathan's, like, smelling everything, so then I start smelling everything after him. Because you kind of experience things more through maybe different senses than I do, which I just thought was interesting. It's just like, we're different people.

I have one of those, like, big Roman Italian noses, so maybe that's what helps.

Yeah.

My mom does the same thing.

I think you pick up on smells more than I do, and you can, like, describe them. I'm like, yes, smell good and. And smell bad. It was fun. There was one room that was kind of lame, though. What was the one?

Oh, yeah, it was, like, the last one, and I think it was the one that they had just renovated. It was, like, color coordinated, where every single corner had, like, a different color.

Yeah.

Like, what they tried to do was just make sure everything kind of was flowering at the same time.

Yeah.

Basically, you're experiencing, like, an overload of flowers.

Yeah.

That normally wouldn't, like, flower at the same time.

It was filled with, like, blooming, like, tulips and daffodils and, like, climbing plants. Like clematis and you know, everything was just full flower. And I'm just like, well, they have to be coming in and switching these out. Cuz tulips and daffodils last like a week. So is that the plan?

Forever?

Like it didn't have that natural habitat, ecosystem feeling that you usually see in a botanical garden where things are, you know, in their natural cycle. So it was interesting. And it being kind of like color coordinated for me took away the special feeling you get when you see something that has a really interesting color contrasting against the green and other colors. When everything in the section is red, nothing really stands out when everything's blue.

Well, also they had like colored lights. Right. That they were using in it as well.

Yeah.

Even the green aspects were colored in that shade. But hopefully they have something else planned for that. It kind of seems like it's maybe a placeholder design because it's like brand new.

Well, and a friend of yours mentioned that maybe it's more to hold events. And so it's more just like decorative. And it doesn't have that kind of science, scientific, ecological like basis where you're studying and understanding plants and ecosystems. Like you would be in the other rooms.

Yeah, it's just their money maker, which

is, you know, good. Get that bag. Botanical garden.

And we also went to a cabana souk, which is also known as an English. A sugar shack for the sugaring off.

Yeah. It was your birthday weekend, so we went with a bunch of people.

Yeah.

Oh my God.

Can you explain that? Yeah, like for people that might not know, like from an outsider perspective, we

drove like 45 minutes out to the, you know, farmlands and got to this little cabin and inside it was like a big restaurant. We sit down at this long table, just get served like a ton of food with maple syrup. Like way too much food. Yeah, we both had the vegetarian one. It started with like a soup, a

split pea soup, which is like a traditional Quebecois soup. It doesn't have maple syrup in it, but some people do. Like one of the. One of the people we were with, remember, she was like putting maple syrup in it.

Okay. I was putting maple syrup in my coffee because I like to do that anyway. And then we had these big like veggie burgers on waffles with syrup on them and a big fake sausage and some good roasted potatoes and meatballs and baked beans with lots of maple syrup. Oh, and they also made their own cider there. So we had. I had some rhubarb or. No, I had Some cherry apple cider.

That was, like, a fancy, like, reinterpretation of what the traditional sugar shack meal is to. Usually it's, like, much, much less put together, and it's much more like just plates of this and that, and everyone just kind of, like, grabs it. This was, like, an elevated version of it.

So it's usually more, like, family style.

Yeah, yeah. Like, there's, like, fluffy eggs, of course, like, roasted potatoes, a bunch of, like, pickled vegetables. Sometimes they're like hot dog sausages cooked in maple syrup. There's also pig's ears, fried pig's ears that usually people dip in maple syrup.

Mm, yum.

Yeah, this was a much more elevated civ interpretation of it.

You could tell it was elevated because our plate was a big board of wood. I always wonder how they wash that, but. And then finally, if you're not already stuffed and putting things in to go boxes, dessert comes out. And that was ice cream with. It's a certain kind of maple syrup. You were talking about it. It's, like, stickier.

Yeah, it's, like, cooked more than normal maple syrup. And then when you put it on a cold surface, like, usually you put it on ice outside it. It kind of turns into a taffy that you eat. And they had used. They had, like, put this on the ice cream.

Yeah. So we had that on ice cream. And then there was, like, a cake,

pudding shomar, which is basically like unemployment cake. It's called. Literally. It's like poor man's. It's like a poor man's pudding.

I don't know. I didn't know what was going on the whole time, like, because, you know, the waitress was speaking French, and, you know, so I'm just sitting there, like, smiling and nodding. I don't know what she's asking me or what she's giving me, but everyone speaks English too. That's the interesting thing about going to Montreal is, like, the most embarrassing moment, I think, in Montreal, for me personally, was because of the language barrier, going to the. Is it called the saq, where you buy alcohol?

Yeah.

And I went to buy wine. And so the cashier.

Oh, my God, I remember that.

So the cashier. Okay, so in Oregon, they will scan your license barcode, no matter what, when you buy alcohol. Like, you can be 80, you can be 10. Well, that would be weird. 21. And so she, you know, she says something to me in French, so I just assume, oh, she's asking for my id. So I go to get my little passport card out, and she kind of Looks at me and, like, smiles. And John Johnathan's tells me, like, she's asking, like, if you're using a card or if you need a bag or something like that. If she was not asking for my id. And I was like, oh, my God, she thinks. I think, like, yeah, I know. I probably look like 20.

The nerve that that girl thinks she likes. She looks like she's under 18 because the drinking age is 18. So she's like, what do you think? She looks 17. Like, it's so funny. The nerve of these Americans.

And also, like, the last time I was there, I remember, like, I always had to have my ID or my passport on me or else, you know, I couldn't buy anything. So. Because it was 20 years ago when I was 20.

But even then, I don't think I've ever been asked for my ID. Even when I was like 15, buying liquor at the liquor store, like, they never asked me for my ID.

Not in Montreal. I remember in B.C. yeah, years ago, needing to have my passport. But yeah, Montreal, like, what the fuck was I thinking? That was so funny and embarrassing.

But Montreal, it's like rude if someone were to ask you for your ID when you order alcohol.

It was also interesting because of the tariffs, there's no American alcohol at all. No wines or things. So it was interesting to see that how the political situation is kind of affecting farmers and vineyards in the US and like, the victims of it are people who love wine and farmers.

Really the victim are people in Canada who aren't able to drink California wine.

Victims to me, when I saw that are Willamette Valley farmers right where I live and vineyards who are trying to sell wine. And that extends down to California and those farmers who want to sell their wines and can't to people who probably want to buy them. Just farmers are suffering, basically. And, and, and in the U.S. you know, people think of the Republicans as like, pro farmer and pro family and pro, like, white Christian farmers. But in actuality, like, the farmers have been suffering so much from these tariffs more than other jobs.

My God, Jeanette, like, what, you want this to become a political podcast? We're supposed to talk about gossip and sex, and here you are going on about Republicans.

I know, I know. I. I don't even like that I said the word Republican. Foreign.

For marry Kill Nut edition back by popular demands.

Jonathan texting me. We should do Mary Kill again. I love it.

Yeah, it is really fun.

No other feedback. I've picked out three nuts for you, Jonathan. You have to choose which you will. Which you will marry, which you will kill. Your three nuts, macadamia, pistachio.

Okay.

And almonds.

Hmm. I think pistachio I have to kill. And that's because it's been around everywhere. Kill. Feels so violent, but it's been around. It's like tired, you know, it's in Dubai chocolate. It's in like all these different ice creams. It's like, it's everywhere, you know, Like, I don't know if you get this,

but is it like used up?

Yeah, it's kind of like tired. It's not at its like performance best, you know?

Yeah.

Especially like, I don't know if you've seen that. There's been a lot of recalls of pistachios.

I haven't, no. Oh, wow.

They found in Iranian pistachios that there were some maybe contamination or something like that. And it. It basically ruined like a whole bunch of pistachios in Canada, I think in the US as well. And so, like, all this Dubai chocolate was being like, you know, recalled and stuff. So, yeah, pistachio kill that, it's over. Almond. This is more advice for other people. But, like, you got to put a ring on that almond because, like, whether it's from like France, Spain, Italy, like you need that dual citizenship.

Oh.

It's a very practical marriage. Well.

And it makes so many things. Flour, milk, a snack in its own right.

Yeah. Just hands down, like, I love almond flavored things like frangipan and marzipan. And like anything with that inside of it, it's like, yum, yum, yum. So, yeah, put a ring on that. And macadamia. I guess I. I guess I have to. Fuck macadamia.

Yeah, macadamia is kind of like elusive, don't you think?

Yeah, it's the opposite of pistachio. It's like you kind of, you know, you see it pop up every now and then, but it's like, oh, it's gone, you know, like.

Yeah. Oh, and imagine if you just wanted some. Like, there's no way you could just run to your cabinet and find any. You have to go look.

You gotta like, okay, this is gonna be. So this is gonna be. You gotta like, fuck that to like, you know, deposit some of that sexy memory into your spank bank, you know? Oh, my God.

You just like in your wild seed sewing days, before you settle down with the almond, you gotta make sure you get a little macadamia in there.

Plus they're like a little bit, you know, exotic. Hawaiian, Australian, I think Macadamias are maybe indigenous to Australia.

I have no idea.

So it's kind of like, ooh, a bit down under. It has that kind of, like, Aussie accent.

Think of our Australian listeners right now.

Have you heard, like, people saying, like, you? I think it's called, like, crunching your O's.

No, what's that? Oh, my God.

You know, like, how Australian people pronounce, like, home? Like home. No, no, no. Yeah, like, oh, my God. Oh, my gosh. Like, macadamia. Like, like, crunches their O's, you know? And, like, that's good. That's hot. Like, people like that.

Our third most popular country after the US And Canada is Australia. So there might be an Australian listening or turning this off right now. We love it. I love the accent.

Oh, no, sorry. All right, Jeanette, so I have your fuck marry, kill for you.

Okay.

The first one is Chestnut, the second is black walnut, and the third is peanut. I had to throw the peanut in for obvious reasons.

Okay, well, easy kill for me is going to be black walnut, because that I do constantly kill. Those things grow all over my yard because the tree nearby, that's apparently not the tree I hate, but a tree in the. On my street. And squirrels are constantly burying black walnut, and I'm pulling out little shoots all the time. And they have that property. Is it called Allelopathic? Yeah, yeah, they have that alleopathic property that kills everything around it or it prevents growth. So, yeah. That you don't need to be anywhere near me. Black walnut, easy kill.

Plus, they're hard to crack.

Yeah. And then Chestnut is an interesting one.

Tummy.

Because I have a lot of weird nostalgic memories with Chestnut. My ex in Japan, his last name meant Chestnut Book.

Chestnut Book.

They sold chestnuts, like, at the train stations. Roasted chestnuts.

Yeah.

So it has that, like, nostalgic feeling of, like, going to the Tokuyama train station and, like, buying chestnuts.

Okay, hold on. So, like, you're talking about your ex, and you're on Mary. And so I'm wondering, like, is that a problem? Is that a problem?

Yeah.

Doesn't know. Doesn't your husband Listen. Listen to this. Yeah, I can't wait. Then continue.

Well, so. But I also have memories with him because when we went to Miyajima, we got these, like, roasted, and I feel like they were, like, deep fried chestnuts that were really good. And that's where we got engaged. So there's just this, like, Japanese.

Oh, you're talking about you and your current husband.

Yeah, yeah. I didn't get engaged.

Yeah, my current husband, like, wait, what? I didn't remember that you guys were engaged.

No, my first husband proposed on Miyajima when we were visiting, and we had had chestnuts there as well. So I feel like with all that kind of, like, nostalgia and looking back, I definitely would marry it. Because that, you know, it's just, like, comforting since it's fuck, marry, kill, and it's not like, break up, marry, live together. I'll choose Mary for Chestnut.

Right.

So that leaves the last one, break

up, move in with, or whatever. That sounds pretty boring. Yeah, that's why it's fuck, marry. Okay. So, peanut.

Well, peanut, we all learned about peanuts in a previous episode.

Refresh my memory.

They love pegging.

All right?

They. They. They reproduce through pegging, so they're. They're very sexually adventurous. So I guess, you know, of all three, I will have to fuck the peanut. Or I guess. Well, does it fuck me? I don't know.

Oh, God. Well, peanut. Peanut could be, like. That's where you're more into, like, the femi peanut, Right?

I guess so.

Because then they could you. And it would be like, the female would. Well, yeah, because, like, people usually who peg are ones that might not have a penis. So you would need, like, a female peanut.

A female peanut. I mean, I don't think any peanuts have penises, so. Oh, my God.

I feel like I'm turning red. I don't know. I know. Well, because I'm thinking about, like, your mom and your grandmother listening to this. I feel so embarrassed, like, for that moment. Apologies to all of those people.

Yeah, apologies for this entire segment.

Last episode, we did a deep dive into cacao, and how it grows becomes chocolate and worked as a currency. But chocolate does not travel alone. It has a ride or die nut.

Yeah, we're talking about hazelnuts. Today we'll find out why one chocolate spread effectively controls a huge chunk of the world's hazelnuts and why Oregon calls it their state nut.

So hazelnut is a shrubby tree in the genus Coralis, which is the birch family. There are a few varieties, I think, that mostly interest us. There is Corylus avelana, which is the most common cultivated variety, and it's also known as common hazelnut. There's Corylis americana, which is the cousin that's native to the common hazelnut, and it's found in the eastern United States. And it's unsurprisingly, called American hazelnut. And then there's Corylus cornuta, which is native also to North America. And it's actually found as far north as Quebec. And its common name is the beaked hazelnut, which very much resembles a very tight foreskin. If you were to Google that. And turns out, Jeanette, that you and I are connected in some way to hazelnut geographically, because they're both important to Oregon, which I think you're going to talk about a little bit later, and to the region in Italy, where

I

have a villa or a rustic farmhouse with no running water, septic or electricity in the area of Avellino.

I'm looking up the beaked hazelnut right now. The kind of nut pod has this elongated beak or I guess, yeah, kind of has that foreskin vibe, like the has gap.

Right.

In our research, we found out hazelnuts don't put out easily.

So the male flowers dangle in long golden catkins, which get teased in the wind and the pollen flutters, like all over the place.

And meanwhile, the female flowers have tiny fiery red tufts of stigmas peeking out just enough to catch what she wants in the wind.

And the dude's pollen grains drift through the air and brush against her delicate pink stigma.

But she's not putting it all out there.

She's bundled up and playing hard to get.

Finally, the pollen lands inside and he's made it.

Right.

This sounds awful. Sorry, doesn't it?

It's not our usual, like, delivery. So I think that's just why it feels weird.

It's like storytelling almost.

Yeah, all right, that's fine.

All right.

I think it'll sound good.

Okay. The pollen lands inside. He starts making his move, growing a pollen tube.

That means the magic is about to happen, right?

It turns out bitch hasn't even made the egg yet. She let him in the front door, but she's making him wait in the foyer for four to five months.

It's the ultimate botanical blue balling. The dude's pollen is forced into total hibernation, suspended in a state of pure, agonizing anticipation while the snow melts and the seasons change.

And what is she doing in all that time? She's taking her sweetest time getting ready. I relate to that. All through the spring, she's slowly meticulously building the ovule, setting the scene behind closed doors. She has to get her hair done and put her face on. It makes sense. Then finally, late May rolls around and the weather's warming up. The mood's right. She. She's finally ready. She sends a chemical whisper down to that waiting pollen.

He wakes up from his months long tease rushes down the rest of the tube, and they finally make contact. The months of built up tension break, Fertilization happens, and that is when the real swelling begins to produce the hazelnut.

It's an absolute masterclass in making them wait for it. So, Jonathan, why don't you tell us where hazelnuts come from?

Actually, hazelnuts don't have just one place that they call home. There's competing stories that depend on culture and commerce. I had mentioned Avellino earlier, and the connection to Avellino isn't just, like, historical. It's part of the plant's botanical taxonomy. So the scientific name, Coralis avelana, from the Latin nux Abellana, meaning the nut of Abela, which is actually modern day Avela, which is a town in the province of Avellino.

Is this etymology again? Okay, just checking. Avelino is where your shack is, right? Your orchard shack, yeah.

It's also where my great, great Nonno is from. I'll be going actually in May next month and traveling through Avellino. And it's actually still famous for its local varieties like Montarella and Nocciola di Gifoni.

Oh, you'll have to take some pictures with some hazelnut trees. When my mom visited here, I kept trying to get her to take a picture in a hazelnut orchard because I told her that's what, like, we're famous for around here, and she never would. So now I'm gonna try to get you to do the same.

I'll take a picture. I actually have hazelnut growing on my. On my land. So I'll take a picture.

Oh, wow.

Of my hazelnuts.

They'll be reproducing when you're there. The pollen will finally get in there.

Yeah, I'll be able to witness it.

Ooh, voyeurism.

I'll get my nano.

Grandfather.

No. What is that thing called?

A microscope?

A microscope? My nanomicroscope.

Your grandfather. I was like, he's his ghosts.

I don't know. Is it called, like, a nanoscope? Anyways, I'll get my nano microscope and look at the final sex scene.

Nice. Who needs the Internet?

Yeah, exactly. So before World War II, hazelnuts were mainly consumed in Italy as, like, you know, whole roasted or ground into coarse flour that they would use, you know, mixing into breads. So the combination of hazelnut and chocolate, that's known as janduja. It dates back to the early 1800s in Piedmont region, which is in the north of Italy during the Napoleonic blockades. And it was during the severe cocoa Shortage. After World War II, that the hazelnuts role became global. To extend the limited cocoa supply, the Italian petri chef Pietro Ferrero created a sweet spread made largely from the abundant hazelnuts that you find everywhere. And that paste would eventually evolve into today what we call Nutella. And it shifted the hazelnut from just basic veg regional crop into a key industrial ingredient in a global confectionery system. And I found some interesting facts. So about 80% of the world's hazelnuts actually come from Turkey. And a huge portion of those hazelnuts goes straight into the production of Nutella, like a shocking percentage of the global crop. And Ferrero, that Italian petri maker and big Nutella, consumes roughly a quarter of the world's hazelnut supply. It's like 100,000 tons a year. And that level of demand has driven the prices of hazelnut up, up, like, significantly. In 2025, prices jumped even more when a late frost in Turkey damaged the blossoms, and it cut the country's harvest in half. And since then, prices are like, 60% higher than what they're usually.

So a single weather event in one country can destabilize global food pricing because one company is disproportionately dependent on that crop region.

Yeah. As hazelnuts have become more profitable, growers around the world are expanding production, which is, I guess, what you see in a lot of these cash crops. So new orchards are being planted in places like Chile and Australia and Oregon. So Oregon's hazelnut industry in the US Continues to grow. There's a disease called eastern filbert blight, which is caused by a fungus. And relatives of the commercial hazelnut native to North America can actually withstand this fungus. But the European hazelnut, well, this, the kaino that fetches the high prices can't. So they're often susceptible to eastern filbert blight. And when the fungus attacks, it ruptures the bark around each branch, which strangles the tree, and the tree dies.

Yay.

So now even in the northeastern United States and all the way up to Quebec, there are people that are trying experimental hazelnut plantings, something that, like, hasn't been successfully done before, mostly because the native varieties are, like, too small or too hard to crack. And it seems like capitalism has pushed the plant beyond their native ecological limits. Something that we see. Like I was saying earlier in, like,

all of these cash crops, they're popular in Oregon because the weather and soil conditions make them easy to grow here. The majority of US Hazelnuts are grown here in Oregon and I drive by lots of hazelnut orchards on my way to work. And the industry is largely here in the Willamette Valley, which is the Salem area. So Turkey produces more than 80% of the world's hazelnuts, but Oregon is responsible for just like 6 or 7%. But that makes up 99% of the crop in the U.S. and if you remember, I toured a hazelnut farm last summer. I talked about it in our primrose is bi poly episode. I saw young and old hazelnut orchards, which was really interesting because hazelnut trees can produce until well over 100 years old. So when we went to the old growth area, it had like a very large canopy. They were very large trees. But typically around here you see like little more shrubby trees, people trying to, you know, quickly grow hazelnuts.

Yeah, I've seen that. I find it really beautiful, like alleys of really tall, like leafy overstory.

If I remember, the farmer is consistently like testing that area for probably the eastern filbert blight. Because he did talk about whether or not they would have to maybe if they found something like take it all down like it's. It's hard to keep it up for that long because of the diseases. And speaking of filbert blight, why do we keep saying filbert? You might have heard hazelnuts used to be called filbert in the US and filbert is a correct name for the tree and the nut. And it has like a French origin. But I did not heavily research the etymology.

You should have just sent me a message. I would have. I would have come up with a whole speech about that. Why did they shift from calling it filberts to hazelnuts?

Well, that first mention of a shift from filbert to hazelnut was published in Salem's newspaper, the Statesman Journal, on a food page in 1975. The recipe suggests substituting chopped filberts and it quote says now being marketed under the name hazelnuts. So they use that term market marketed.

Yeah. It's so interesting because it's similar to what we were saying about hascaps, that they changed the name.

Yeah.

To chemeries in Quebec to make it more like French sounding or more delicious. Like hazelnuts. Definitely does sound a lot better than like a filbert.

Yeah. A lot of like midwestern people, I feel like, know what filbert is, but I had never heard it till I moved here.

I've only ever seen it on like a package. I've seen like a package of hazelnuts that said filbert.

You know, in the 70s, 80s organ processors started kind of using it interchangeably. Filberts, hazelnuts. But hazelnut was the name being used in Europe. So the story is that customers overseas were like sending them back because they, they would get these shipments of filberts. They didn't know what it was.

They're like, what the fuck is this? I didn't order this.

It was really a marketing decision to change it to hazelnut. And in 1981, the Oregon filbert Commission decided to conform and kind of started emphasizing the name hazelnut.

And did they change their name to the Oregon Hazelnut Commission?

Yeah, they did change their name. I think that was what happened in 1981. We talked about the eastern filbert blight and just another shout out to Oregon. Oregon State bred some resistant varieties and, and that's why we still have them growing here today. Oregon State's also who sponsored me going to the farm last year. Like, they, their agriculture programs are really good. I want to go there.

You got to get them to sponsor this podcast.

Oh my God. Yeah. For me, it's interesting with hazelnuts because they're surprisingly hard to find in stores, even here in Oregon, like just the regular grocery store. Unless maybe you find them covered in chocolate. But I usually only find hazelnuts in farm stores. Like I saw them yesterday in the farm store where I bought the plants. But the one cool thing is I don't know if they sell it where you are. I often find these like cheap bags of crushed hazelnut shells to put around my plants to keep slugs away in like nurseries and garden stores.

Oh yeah, they sell them by the bag full kind of thing.

Yeah, just like a big bag, like compost size bag or something, or like a soil bag.

And are they cheap?

Yeah, it was like 10 bucks. I don't know if that's cheap. Maybe I didn't get the cheapest version. I'm sure you can just go to the farms and get them.

Yeah, they're probably like, thankful that you're taking it away from them.

When I moved into this house, some shrubs had them already around them in these like planters. And I didn't really know why they were there, but I thought it looked really nice. And then I kind of researched it and now I've bought them and I use them too.

I have seen walnut shells as like a mulch, but that's like a luxury product. Like, I don't remember how much it was, but I, you know, it was definitely unaffordable because I think it would be like, make a nice mulch. Right. And it would be probably good for the soil.

It's kind of like a mulch.

Yeah.

To keep the slugs away. And I. I guess maybe it's not a cheap bag. Like it probably is a luxury item to buy a ten dollar bag of hazelnuts. It just depends what your gardening budget is and mine is out of control. So that's why for me I'm like, that's really cheap. But yeah, I couldn't do my whole like, like garden. It's just on specific plants and like specific areas. It seems like slugs are deterred by anything sharp. Like people use crushed eggshells and you're saying walnut shells and like hazelnut shells. So just like broken glass probably would work.

Ouch.

Yeah, but then it'd be hard to garden. Oh my God. Sticking your hand in like on your

knees, like all like cut up.

So, yeah, that's most of what we found out about hazelnuts. An interesting plant that is the Oregon State nut and controlled by the Nutella industrial complex.

Wow. Okay, so hazelnuts show us how modern food systems are shaped less by nature and more by human desire, corporate demand and branding. Turning the simple wind pollinated shrub into a global economic player.

Will you say the last part again and pretend you're excited about it?

That that should go at the end of the show. Yeah. Turning this simple wind pollinated shrub into a global economic player. Sorry, I was researching. I was researching hazelnut shells.

It's like another tab open. But it's also about the topic of our thing.

It was like, sorry, we don't. We do not offer farm pickups. Delivery only.

Jonathan, have you heard of Celtic tree Astrology?

No, I haven't. I have not.

Celtic tree Astrology is a spiritual system that assigns different trees to different times of the year. Kind of like the zodiac.

Okay.

It includes birch, rowan, ash, alder, willow, hawthorne, oak, holly, hazel vine, ivy, reed and elder. Which do you think you are? I know I read those really fast. But of all those, which do you think is yours?

Rowan.

Rowan. Okay, we'll see. First though, I wanted to. I don't remember.

Which is also known as mountain ash.

Oh. Oh, yeah. You did that whole episode about it in your spooky Plant month series on our Instagram.

Yeah, I like to also think, like, I just know that because I'm smart. But yes, I also know that because I had to do a lot of research for that post.

If you were born from August 5 to September 1 in Celtic Tree Astrology, you would be a hazelnut.

Oh, I'm not a hazelnut.

That personality is considered confident, loyal, and intelligent. So from what I found on my very serious research online, people born under the Celtic hazel tree sign are highly analytical and intelligent, but they're also artistic and can make really motivating teachers. And they tend to be very profound in thought and philosophy. They sound kind of like blowhards. You know that blowhard history teacher?

I do know. I do have a friend who's born at that time.

And you don't have to reveal whether or not they're a blowhard, but they also tend to be friendly, helpful and easygoing, patient, understanding, selfless, and generous to their friends. Is that. Is that the case?

Some of those do not apply to that person.

They find it easy to talk to anyone, naturally organized, with a great eye for detail. They like things to be just right. Perfectionist tendencies. And they have, like, control issues if everything doesn't turn out exactly how they pictured. Maybe I'm like a hazelnut rising.

You're not a hazelnut. Yeah, you're a hazelnut. It wouldn't be rising. It would be, like, a razelnut. A hazel of razelnut. A hazelnut sprouting.

Yeah, a hazelnut sprout. I also read somewhere that, like, it's supposed to be when you were conceived is your actual tree sign. So I don't know. Like, I don't know when I was conceived. Let me think.

Well, then maybe I'm a hazelnut.

Yeah, maybe I am a hazelnut.

Wait, I'm bad at math. If I was born in so bad at math. What does that mean? What does that mean?

Yeah, I could be. I could have been conceived as a hazelnut. I'm bad at math, too.

No, you were not conceived as a hazelnut. You're. You're born in June.

Wouldn't nine months before June be August? No. What the fuck? Oh, my God. I did do math the other day in front of a math teacher, and it was the most embarrassing thing. She was asking me what time lunch started. We were outside walking around the track with our classes, and lunch started at 12:27. It was currently 12:11. And the math teacher asked me, how much time do we have before lunch? And I look at my phone because she had forgotten her phone, and I was like, oh, my God, what's 27 minus 11? And I just, like, stood there for, like, way too long trying to subtract in front of a math teacher. I panicked.

That's when you're like, oh, hold on. Wait, I have a. I have a text message from my sister, and you're just, like, going to a calculator app.

Well, and then there's like, there's the meme where, like, guys break up with their girlfriends because they open the calculator up and see, that's totally me. Oh, my God. 27 minus 11. And now I'm gonna do, like, I don't even know what to calculate to do six.

So. So people who are conceived in August would be born in, like, April or

may, so I'm probably like, I did

it on my fingers.

Okay, good job. Anyway, I'm editing all of this out, so you.

Okay. So. So I would be. What then?

So, yeah, I looked up your birthday and. My birthday. You're the alder tree.

Oh.

Which is the trailblazer. That's anyone from March 18th to April 14th.

And Alder. Isn't that nitrogen fixing?

Yes, it is.

Is it?

Yeah, that's part of some of the explanations. I read. Talked about that.

I think I'm a fixer.

Exactly.

Or I need fixing. It depends on your perspective.

What I found interesting, and this is probably not coincidental, but the ruling planet for it is Mars, and the ruling elements are fire and water. But it says the personality traits are romantic, brave, and generous. A natural born leader, dynamic, driven, and full of contagious energy. You are very energetic when you're not on another tab while we're recording. You're a true mover and a shaker, you, magnetic presence that draws people in. Charismatic and outgoing, you connect effortlessly with. With a wide range of personalities, Making others feel at ease in your company. Yeah, I feel like people are comfortable around you. You had so many people at your birthday, Dick, they didn't even notice you were there.

I'm sorry, that's not what that. Didn't even notice I was there. Yeah, so you said.

Yeah. They were so at ease. Well, it's definitely like, everyone doesn't have to, like, give you, like, special attention and, like, you know, dote on you

like some others, but they do. But that's what I want.

I know, but they don't have to. They don't. All right. Your ability to relate to other people stems not only from your warmth, but you're also unshakable. Self confidence, inner strength that others admire and are inspired by. You're fueled by fiery passion and active spirit, Always on the move and eager to make things happen. And I agree with that. You're never kind of like, settled. Like, you're always like, Striving, but not in a way that you feel like you need to improve yourself, but, like. Like that there's more that you can do.

Just, like, hearing you say that just made me feel so tired, you know,

you're like, I don't want to be.

I think, like, you're right in that, like, I'm always, like, on the move and trying to do stuff, but, like, now I'm just overwhelmingly feeling tired. I need to stop that.

Yeah.

I need to change my birth tree.

Yeah. Well, you're most compatible with oak and birch. They are strong, steady companions who complement your intensity and your drive. Which brings us to moi oak, the stabilizer. June 10th to July 7th. Loyal, generous, courageous. We're both courageous.

You're like the xanthan gum

of the zodiac.

I think xanthan gum is a stabilizer, but I'm not sure.

So the oak is a natural champion of the underdog, steadfast in support of those who may not have a voice. And like the mighty oak, you possess a quiet confidence and strength to stand up for what's right. Generous, nurturing, deeply helpful. Exude a calming presence and carry enduring belief that things will unfold for the better.

Exuding calmness, but, like, really inner anxiety.

Yeah, that's why I feel like I'm like. I'm like a hazelnut rising sign. The outside, sure, but inside, I'm like, on so many benzos. Maybe that's why I seem so calm. So a deep respect for history and tradition, often drawn to roles that allow you to share insight, especially as an educator or guide.

Really?

Yeah. And your appreciation for the past is matched by a love of connection in the present. So I agree with the history part because I feel like I'm always adding that history element to some of our research. But then it says you thrive in large gatherings of family and friends and maintain a rich, diverse social circle that reflects your warmth and inclusiveness.

That's wrong. Oh, that's totally wrong.

Yeah.

Something happened there. Something happened there.

I survive, not thrive. But yes.

Yes. Oh, my God. That's so funny, because. Okay, just like an aside. When, like, people would ask me about you, like, oh, God. Oh, my God. I'm so embarrassed to say this, but, like, when people were like, is Jeanette enjoying it? Or, like, you know, like, when you're in Japan or whatever, and, like, you know, how's Jeanette doing? And I was like. I was always like, you know, I would always say something like, jeanette is not someone who, like, enjoys things. She just tolerates things. Like.

Like, she's not happy.

She's just tolerating her current situation. Yes.

I'm in a constant state of tolerating my current situation.

That is happiness.

That is my happy space. I feel like even, like, gardening and making this podcast. Do I enjoy it or am I just tolerating my current hobby?

Oh, is that, like, insulting for me to say that?

No, I think it's. It's definitely something that rings true where I enjoy complaining and have trouble remembering to, like, be positive, but I think it's something that I'm improving on and. And better at now. But definitely back, like, in Japan and stuff, you know, I. I wasn't. Yeah, like, yeah, it's so great. I'm having fun because at the drop of a hat, I'm having, like, a crisis. So it's hard to, like, say, I'm just happy. Yeah, I don't have, like, smile line. Wrinkles is basically how I would describe myself. I was looking in the mirror. I'm like, how come I don't have the wrinkles when you smile?

Forever youthful and unhappy and tolerated.

Exactly.

Tolerating.

So if you want to find your Celtic tree sign, there's going to be a link in the show notes. Just heads up, though. In my research, this is not some ancient Celtic thing. Apparently it was just made maybe in the 50s or something by people who.

During the pandemic.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Just for Internet. No, it was like something made in the 50s using some old Celtic, like, Alphabet and. And trees from the area and some of their kind of stories and then kind of put this together. So it's not. That's why I feel like it's really similar to your astrological sign. It kind of has the same vibes. It's fake, basically, but I loved it.

So if you're tired of Jeanette and I talking about each other and just complimenting each other on how great we are, you can look up your Celtic true sign by following the link in

the description, having our deep conversations about our personalities. One other thing I wanted to talk about, though, is the Encyclopedia of Magical Herbs, where I always find, like, the. You know, it's like, masculine. I think this is a sun and an air sign. It had this great spell to protect yourself or your plants. It said in parentheses, while outdoors, draw a circle in the dirt with a hazel twig around yourself or the plant concerned. So, like, use the twig to draw the circle. So when you're out in your garden, find a hazel twig and draw circles around all those plants that you're worried about. I think it's going to be better than crushed hazelnut shells to protect them, apparently. By popular demand. And by that, I mean my mom. Here is our official Plant Sluts Yummy Trail Mix recipe.

You'll want a fistful of filberts. I mean, hazelnuts, and a half a

cup of kinky BDSM seeds. Frozen, beaten, broken sunflower seeds are perfect because you chew them up and spit them out.

And don't forget to throw in as many pegging peanuts as you'd like, because remember how after Polynesian, the peanut plant forms a peg that elongates downward into the soil where the peanut embryo develops at its tip.

Include eight cacao pods, enough to pay for an Aztec sex worker. But you'll probably want to roast and maybe treat with an alkaline agent to remove the bitterness.

Right? And a handful of flexisexual apricots.

Then stick it all in your fanny pack and take a hike.

Actually, you could take all those nuts and kind of toss them. Maple syrup, maybe like a neutral oil, like fragrant coconut oil. Maybe put some, like, black pepper or some cayenne pepper or something to kind of, like, spice it up and roast them. And then throw. Throw it together with some of the dried fruits.

You cannot help but give us a real recipe.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay. Make sure that you check out our Trail Mix episodes to get the recipe right.

Thanks for getting slutty with us.

If you liked this episode, send it to your plant friends. Email us with plants you think are slutty enough to be covered by us.

Make sure to subscribe and rate on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen. It really helps us out.

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Bye, sluts.

Bye, sluts.