Winter Cutting: Apocalypse Grow

Hey, celebs. I'm Jonathan.

I'm Jeanette.

We're two old high school friends, current geriatric.

We interrupt our regularly scheduled podcast to bring you breaking news. The world as we knew it is officially toast. Global supply chains, gone. Grocery stores, empty. Starbucks, a distant memory whispered on the wind. Survivors are left to fend for themselves in the ruins of civilization. Experts say the future now belongs not to billionaires, not to warlords, but to gardeners. Yes, those who can coast life from dirt may hold the keys to survival and dare we say, pleasure in the wasteland. And now, reporting live from the rooftop stronghold, the self proclaimed Plant Sluts are here with their vision of the post apocalyptic garden. Beans, basil and media machete.

Coming up after this broadcast, we're Plant Sluts.

Hey Sluts.

Hey Sluts. So this episode we're going to go over what we think the apocalypse will be like and what the hell will be gardening in the apocalypse. So, Jeanette, what kind of apocalypse do you think you're imagining?

I think mine is like a society collapse, like an economic society collapse kind of with some climate disasters, but more like the Great Depression dust bowl situation.

Okay.

Just something very realistic.

So I'm imagining a climate collapse. So the Gulf Stream is no longer functioning because of the melting glaciers. And Europe becomes super cold, kind of like an ice age. And in North America, because of the heating of the atmosphere, it's actually a lot warmer in Montreal. I want this to be the case. It's so cold right now. I'm just imagining that that is what starts the collapse of all these other things like currency, money. There's like, New York is completely underwater. So all these people are like flooding the borders in Canada to try to get to inward cities like Chicago, Toronto, Montreal. I don't even know if anyone would want to go to like Edmonton, Calgary, Denver. But yeah, I'm just imagining that that's kind of the impetus for the collapse.

So where are we picturing ourselves? Rooftops, ruins, desert, Underground bunkers.

I imagine myself here in my house that I currently live in with my rooftop greenhouse and my rooftop garden. And maybe you're there, Jeanette. Oh, maybe you've come, smuggled guns across the border and joined me in Montreal.

You're welcome.

And we're like shooting people from those guns, those American guns that you guys are so well known for shooting people who try and like climb up to try and get to our kale, to try and get to our, like, potatoes and all that, all that stuff. Montreal, 2045, civilization collapse. But my Kale. It's thriving and you're there.

Yay.

That sounded so enthusiastic. Where do you see yourself?

Oh, I guess it's just easier to picture it in my house.

Right.

You know, with my garden and my fence and just reinforcing being in this house with the plants that I've started already. I have six solar panels, so that'll give me some power. Maybe.

In terms of food, I guess we would probably need, like, calorie dense foods, right? Like, we should probably be growing kale.

Yeah. Well, we have to think about it, like, what are the most important foods to grow? Calorie dense, but also, like, nutritionally complete sweet. Because kale does grow really easily in. In if it gets cold. So like a wind. And if there's any winters, it will give us some roughage. And so that might actually be a good one to have because you do want some fiber.

A friend of mine really loves watching survival shows, and she's always telling me, like, the one thing that usually gets people is constipation. Mm. And so roughage. Yeah. Like, you can't forget. You're right. Like, you can't forget the roughage because you don't want to be, like, running around constipated.

Yeah. So I'm thinking I already want to rip up my front lawn and grow sweet potatoes. So, like, hopefully by this time, I've already started that project, and I definitely want to have a lot of potatoes. I love the idea of beans for the protein.

Yes.

But also, they're really fast growers.

Yeah. I think the beans are going to be really hot in the apocalypse.

Yeah.

Climbing up like sexy little survivors. I can really picture myself guarding my bean trellis with a rusty machete. I think that's kind of like the vibe.

So if you could only go three crops to stay alive, what would they be?

Right now in my. Like, I'm thinking eggplant, but then obviously, like, there's not that much nutrition. So I think, like, if I'm thinking from really a survival perspective, like we said, beans, I think beans are super important. And I guess potatoes, because honestly, like, who has the time to grow wheat? And first of all, wheat takes so much space. Yeah, exactly. And potatoes are just so, like, efficient. They can grow really easily in containers. Yeah. So potatoes, like, they take very little, Right. To, like, process and to go from, like, soil to stomach.

You could even have potatoes indoors, in containers, by windows.

Yeah. Or maybe you'd have like, a whole grow light situation.

Yeah. With my six solar panels.

Yeah, exactly, your solar panels, like, You. Who needs that, like guest room? No one's coming over. You don't want to let them in.

Yeah, that is true.

So just turn your like guest area or your office. Like who the fuck is going to be working in the climate collapse anyways? You know, Turn your office into like a potato. Grow up. I guess the next one I would say is like fruit. I think sugars are probably going to be really important because they're going to like fuel your like really fast running. Like you'll have to like run, I don't know, like run after people run away from like, please just let me.

Die in the first wave of this apocalypse. No, before the running starts.

So what would be the three, the three vegetables that you would grow?

Yeah, I agree. Beans, they're easy. They climb up with like other plants that you have growing. I would probably just keep going with my like lemon tree or other citrus trees. Maybe steal some of the apples off my neighbor's tree.

Vitamin C. You're right. Scurvy.

Scurvy. Yeah. And then, and then potatoes. Yeah, the potato is my apocalypse boyfriend.

Yeah, I want to get in on that. Let's go into a throuple with the potato.

Yeah. So another thing to think about is medical care during the apocalypse. You can't go to the pharmacy to pick up your clonazepam prescription because it's already been rated. It's already been rated. I already have a lot. But I will run out.

Yeah. You got to think long term.

There's a couple of things to think about when you're thinking of medicine and healing plants in the apocalypse. First is, you know, getting sick and healing yourself that way so you can stay healthy to run around and kill zombies or whatever. But also there's also mental health and injuries. So some things I would grow and some of them might already grow things like ginger and turmeric. Having that anti inflammatory property in ginger could help if you're, you know, we're going to be old by then. We're already basically old. So it can replace those NSAIDs.

Non steroidal anti inflammatory drugs.

Yeah.

So but yeah, and it's true because. Because it's going to be so much hotter. We can probably grow that right outside.

Yeah. And then there's things like turmeric that also help in reducing pain. If that's easy grow Mullen.

Right.

Is a really great one that is always popping up in my yard. Yeah, it's that fuzzy leaf plant that grows really tall and flowers, it's like.

A spike, like one big Huge like phallic spike, Right? With flowers. Yeah, yeah, I've seen that.

That's a really great plant. If you have a cough, you actually smoke it and that will. It clears up coughs, which seems counterintuitive, but people smoke it to help with coughs it because it does something in your lungs where it like, I don't know, it puts like a coating of something or breaks down the gunk in your lungs. So that's a nice easy one to have.

Well, from like the. The burning tire fires, right? That'll.

Yeah, exactly. Everywhere. It takes two years to grow. So, you know, start now.

It's like a. It's a biennial. So like the first year is the. Just the leafy. But is it. It's what part of the plant that you would smoke the leaves?

Well, yeah, you do smoke the leaves. So you can smoke the leaves the first year, but then you would smoke all of them because it would be.

Small and then it wouldn't produce seeds.

Yeah. For the next time I'd grow peppermint because it's really good for indigestion and nausea and it grows so easily and you can like just. It's the apocalypse. Just put it straight in the ground. Who care?

Right? What about plan B plants? Because maybe there'll be no more condoms. They expire right after a while. So like three years into the apocalypse. A, how do you prevent unwanted pregnancies? But then how do you also like safely abort them?

That's where mugwort would come in handy. Mugwort also grows really fast, almost like a weed, and can be very invasive. But you can use the leaves to make teas that bring on menstruation. You can use it if you're not just. If you're trying to bring on menstruation early or if you are trying to miscarry.

You need like a post coital mugwort tea.

Yeah, yeah.

It will be like your. The new tradition.

Yeah. Or just try hand jobs.

Willow bark, right? Willow bark is good for like salicylic acid or aspirin. Right. Comes from willow bark.

Yeah. So how do you grow willow bark though? Is it something you could kind of put in your garden or is that a tree?

Well, it's a tree. It's the willow. But I think it's like a specific kind of willow. It's not just like any willow, but I know that it is like it does grow here, at least in like temperate areas. But I guess you just have to learn like how do we learn how to like, safely harvest this thing. These things, you know, in general, I.

Have a book called the the Herbalist, the herbalist from the 50s by Joseph E. Meyer. And I feel like everyone should, in preparation, a book that gets you ready for this apocalypse. Because you will not be able to Google how do I turn willow bark into Tylenol? So let me see. I think willow bark's right in here. Yeah. Willow bark. Willow is to be found growing along riverbanks, attaining a height from 15 to 50ft. The bark is rough, while the narrow lancelet leaves are tapered, pointed. It doesn't really say how to get it, though, but.

Well, it's just because, like, you want to make sure that you harvest the bark without, like, sabotaging the tree.

Yeah.

There goes your whole, like, aspirin cabinet.

I would actually recommend instead of that, especially if you're trying to kind of keep yourself contained in your area and not venture out too much, I would recommend prickly lettuce. And prickly lettuce looks a lot like dandelion leaves, but if you look at the back of it, there's little prickles going up the spine. And what you can do is prickly lettuce is make, like, a tincture or you can use it in a tea. There's a way to kind of make a tincture and boil it to get a kind of syrup from it. And that works like a Tylenol. And it grows like, you know, it is a weed. It grows like weed. So it's an easy one to do. I would definitely keep growing my lemon balm because, you know, I use it to stay sane now.

So it's good for depression.

Yeah, it's good for depression. I'm gonna be depressed if it's the apocalypse. Like, you can't go shopping.

But, Jeanette, you also don't have to work.

That's true. Maybe I won't need it.

You'll probably have to be, like, you know, working in the field.

Yeah. Oat straw would be a good one also for mood. It's a. Yeah, oat straw. Because you can make a tea out of it. It's a full body tonic that strengthens immunity and builds energy. You can use it to recover from illness and resist stress and combat anxiety, depression, insomnia. It's one I already use right now as a tincture. I think echinacea is really important, too, for boosting your immunity. Keep yourself, like, prepared for getting sick.

Yeah. Because if the zombies don't get you, the flu will or whatever. New kind of, like, Covid 6.0 that we get.

Yeah, exactly. Then you have like rosemary. If you have a robust rosemary bush, like I do, you can use that to make some anti inflammatory, like tinctures and flavorful food as well.

Pairs well with your potatoes, your oversupply.

Exactly, exactly.

You're growing.

Calendula is a really good one for like skin burns or wounds, rashes. You can make a good salve out of calendula. It's a flower and it's used for like, external tissue and wound healing. It also stimulates the lymphatic system and soothes your intestinal lining and mucous membranes. It can also help heal stomach ulcers and help remove fevers and any kind of rashes. It's a really good one. You want to try?

What about food? Like, okay, so we're gonna have all these potatoes. Maybe we're gonna have like gross Jerusalem artichokes. No offense to those who might like Jerusalem artichokes. Like, I feel like we're going back to medieval times where there's a risk of having really bland, gross food. What kind of flavorful things would you be growing?

You can start thinking about it almost like in India, they used spices to flavor food, but also preserve food. Like c. Caraway, fennel, cinnamon, which also acts as like a germicide, nutmeg, cloves, peppers, and then the turmeric. We're already growing red chilies. Yeah. So that could help preserve food. So it's not going like rancid, but also gives you some flavor, gives you some herbal boosts as well. And then you also want to have like cold storage. I would have to dig in my basement same.

I wanted to do that so badly. So that kind of gives me the excuse. My grandmother actually has cold, like, I don't know, it's called the cantina in Italian. Where my grandfather had like, I don't think it was even legal, but he dug underground, this big kind of cave. My grandmother keeps the wine. All my preserved things that she's made. She puts things like leftovers in there to cool off. It's like going back a hundred years, basically.

Yeah. Wow.

Where there's like no regulations and you just kind of are digging tunnels underground.

Yeah. You also, like, could. You can dig those through a basement, but if it's easier in a hillside as well. And then just reinforce it with some wood.

Right. What about beauty? Okay, so we're depressed. I don't know, we're sick for like, we have tuberculosis for months. We're bedridden. Yeah, there's, like, death, blood, complete mayhem, destruction. How do you stay sane with your environment? I'm thinking of beauty. Like, how do you make your environment beauty? Like, what are some things that you would want to keep to beautify your life?

I can only think of one plant for this. Checks all the boxes. That's poppies. Poppies are so pretty. And then they're also so great to use after births.

Yeah.

And that would help with, you know, if you break your leg, get your arm chopped off or bitten off. You know, you definitely want to have some opioid pain relief, because I've already ransacked the pharmacy, so there's nothing left there.

I wonder, like, if poppy seeds could become the new apocalypse currency.

Oh, yeah. You know, the other thing, speaking of raiding the pharmacy is you want to think about your ADHD medication and stimulants in general. Jonathan, I know you go to sleep so you can wake up and have coffee.

Yeah.

So what's the plan here?

Oh, shit, you're right.

Yeah. I don't know if we can grow coffee beans. I've never looked into it because I know it needs such a specific climate. But you could try also growing yerba mate.

Right.

Or tea leaves.

Yerba mate is like a bush.

I don't know. I just know when I drink the drinks that have it, I get super shaky.

Guarana, like, guarana, like, that's also something I see as, like, an ingredient.

Yeah. That has the highest caffeine content. It has, like, 2 to 5% caffeine, which is more than coffee.

Well, that's what I need. Something really efficient.

Yeah, Guarana is a good one.

I don't know, like, what kind of climate it goes in. But then I'd have to just, like, recreate that kind of climate.

Yeah, you would just have to, like, close off of your bathroom and turn it into a guarana station.

Okay. And I'm. Okay. Like, it doesn't have to be coffee. I mean, I've definitely thought before about when I go camping and, like, I'm. I wake up and it's just, like, so difficult for my body to get out of that fucking tent. And then, I don't know, make a fire and it's cold and I'm trying to make. I'll just chew on a bean.

Yeah.

So I'm already. I'm already okay with that.

You've already roughed it. You. You know what to do. The other kind of beauty, pleasure, insanity, plants. You want to think about things like toothbrushes. Like, your toothbrush is going to get.

Gross fast and you need your teeth.

Yeah, and. Yeah, and you don't need your teeth falling out and stuff. So you can make natural toothbrushes. You know, people have been making them forever. There's different ways. You can use marshmallow roots. You take straight and large roots, cut them into lengths of about 5 inches, unravel or peel the two ends, boil the roots with a couple of sticks of cinnamon, and then when they're tender, take them out to prevent breakage. And then my book says to soak them for 24 hours in brandy. And after this, dry them in a warm oven or room. When you go to use it, you want to soak it in warm water and then rub your teeth with it. You can also make a brush out of horseradish roots. Instead of doing the brandy part, though, you're going to use a tincture of cloves, and then you chew on the root. You can use alfalfa roots for brushes and licorice root.

I think I'd be hitting that licorice root.

Yeah.

Because I love the flavor of licorice. And it's like, it tastes sweet. Like, I think there's some sort of compound in it that has, like, a very sweet taste without, like, being sugary, you know, without having sugar. I don't know about, you know, before a date, like brushing my teeth with horseradish. I don't think that would work.

So we're still dating in this apocalypse?

Hell, yeah.

Okay.

I can't give that up.

There's also, like, old. It says old time chewing gums, sugar, glucose, spruce gum and water. Or oatmeal with sugar, balsam of Peru gum Arabic and then just spruce gum.

Yeah, I've seen spruce gum. Like, Instagram keeps marketing this natural spruce gum to me. They know me so well because I've clicked on the link and I looked at the price and I've thought about buying it, but I haven't actually.

If you have a toothache, oil of cloves is a good popular remedy.

Okay, well, I have a couple more questions.

Sure.

What about the way you treat others? Do you think that you would be more inclined to be a community person? Like, sharing is caring kind of girl. Or would you be hoarding things and guard guarding them with your life?

I think there's a little bit of hoarding and guarding, but hopefully within my neighborhood, you know, we already have a group chat, so I think we get along pretty well. Hopefully we can trade and use each other's lands and different skills, different gardening skills. Like, the people behind me grow hops, which would make a nice tea. And, you know, it would be great if we. We could share. Maybe we just block off our whole little block and, you know, kind of work communally in that small area. What about you?

I guess, you know, I'm already part of that Gabriel's chat, which has like over 100 people.

That's true.

So we could form this kind of like queer collective. Trading skills, Trading foods, tips. Yeah, I think I'd be. I'm like, more. I'm like, definitely more of a community oriented person. There would probably be things that I would hoard because I already kind of naturally do that a bit. I have resource scarcity syndrome. I don't know if that's actually a thing, but it's like, where diagnosed, you know, when I have like an abundance of stuff, I like, end up putting in like a regime of like, managing it to a way in a way where I'm actually not really using much of it. Whereas I'm thinking of, like, other people that, you know, not to name anybody but my ex. You know, when we had. When we had like a lot of stuff of something, you know, that's like, really special, his, like, style was like to consume as much of it as possible because it's.

Oh.

But mine was always to be managing it really well and distributing it to myself.

Yeah.

Little by little. You know, I do that with, like, jams, for instance. I. I guard my jam so much that at the end of the year, I have so many jars left. When it's time to make a new batch, like the next year, I guess I have to kind of manage that.

I feel like your ex would get voted off Survivor really quickly.

He listens to this.

What do you think your apocalypse garden's gonna look like?

Like it does today. A bit chaotic, a bit overgrown. But like, you know, I think I'll learn a lot and there'll be a lot of kind of stacking, a lot more stacking, you know, like how we're talking about the beans. There'll be a lot more use of like, vertical. Maybe I'll take over, like some of the rooftops of my neighbors and start growing things there until they figure it out and shoot me.

Yeah.

Or I'd share with them. Maybe share with them if they don't shoot you.

Yeah.

I'll garden their roof and give them some Jerusalem artichokes while I keep all the potatoes.

Oh, I'm thinking I would reinforce my whole property in a Kind of barbed wire, BlackBerry thicket to keep my garden safe. So I'd have, like, a little entrance, but I would try to grow that around the whole area, which I'm already trying to do now anyway.

I mean, you also probably have to worry about pests. Right. They're, like, a lot more. The risk. The risk of losing, you know, a crop is a lot higher.

Yeah.

Of, like, the impacts. Right. Like, you really don't want those bunnies or those deer to come and, like, chew on your kale or eat your potatoes.

You know, I have a tall fence, so we don't get any animals in. In the city. We don't have deer or anything, but we will. Yeah.

Because it'll be overgrown and they'll come back. Nature heals itself.

We'll keep the fence up, but then the kind of barbed wire BlackBerry bush would kind of keep, you know, hopefully some humans from just jumping over and grabbing some plump potatoes or whatever else I have growing.

Okay, so last thing.

Yeah.

Do you think you would survive, thrive, or die dramatically among your plants?

I would definitely die dramatically amongst my plants, yes. Just the thought of all of this. I mean, I love the idea of just staying home and growing everything and that, but with any of the outside situations going on and people roaming the streets to, you know, take your supplies, I feel like I'd be. I'd just be over it. I don't. I don't. I don't think I would thrive. How many people can you shoot a day before you're just like, I'm done.

You would just give up.

I've lived my life. I'm in my 40s. Yeah. Yeah. I give up. How about you?

Is this okay?

Dream Jonathan. Like, you're, like, thriving so hard.

I feel like I want to thrive, but I think. I think I've only ever really known how to just survive or to feel like I'm only just, like, barely living, you know?

Yeah.

But I think if I. I think it really. It's really a crapshoot. I think if I were to find someone younger than me that I could, like, pair up with, that maybe I would be able to thrive because I think I would be good at organizing stuff, and I think I would be good at kind of telling people what to do. But in terms of, like, doing the work, I mean, just, like. Because physically I'm in my 40s.

Yeah.

Back hurts all the time.

Yeah.

It's hard for me to stay motivated, so. So I just think that I would be kind of like someone to be more like the organizer, but I need my people, you know, Like, I need them to, like, also, you know, be in on it. And maybe I'm saying, like, I would be a leader.

Yeah, maybe. I mean, I think the motivation would come with, like, wanting to eat, so you might be more motivated than you think. Yeah.

What would be your parting message to future gardeners if plants, let's. Let's say, were the last podcast on Earth.

Oh, all y' all wanted to stay home and garden. Now you can, because you have to. Right.

I feel like I would say something like, fuck capitalism, Vivian, or something like.

That.

But it would be kind of empty. I would probably be pretty devastated to stop doing this podcast.

Oh, my God. Yeah. Maybe we could just do it. Do it, like, via carrier radio waves.

Like. Like radio. Like crank radio waves.

We'll do that. We'll figure out radios again. That's something to look up now while we still have the Internet.

All right, well, thanks for getting slutty with us in this bonus cutting. We will be coming back in the spring with new episodes, so don't forget to click, subscribe, and share it with your friends.

Yeah, we'll be back in February with new episodes, so keep subscribed. Bye, sluts.